Black people need to stop navigating marriage alone.
Wow! Nope, I said it; I went there. Too often, we, as Black people, are more than willing to talk about the challenges that we face in our dating lives but not our marriages. Previous generations have often taught us to keep house business “in-house.” While that is true in some aspects, it is very important to the survival of Black marriage to share what works.
Marriage, regardless of race, is a journey that requires constant effort. However, in Western culture, we're often presented with a romanticized version of marriage as the 'Happy Ending,' overlooking the hard work and perseverance it demands from both partners. When adding the challenges of race to the equation, we often do not have the tools to prepare ourselves for the trials and tribulations that are different.
Black marriages in previous generations have been faced with more challenges than today. Still, they allowed for continued unity and strength to make things work due to the opposed sole conditions. In other words, it was easier to survive with each other than alone. Whether it was for the best or not is on a case-by-case basis. However, in today's society, as married couples, it is easier to get divorced than in the past. And the need to grow through obstacles, accept each other for who they are, and make things work. Obviously, there are nuances to each marriage, but some practices haven’t been shared with the new generation that can be used to make things work. As stated by Bell Hooks:
"Love is an act of will—namely, both an intention and an action. Will also implies choice. We do not have to love. We choose to love."
Know that the person you married will change or will not change. What do I mean by this? In pure observation and experience of love, life, friends, and family, some people may not grow the same way you do. Whether it be now or in the future, your growth may be different emotionally, physically, mentally, financially, or otherwise. The key is to recognize that, and you either can choose to accept it or not.
It also matters if you have seen the type of marriage you desire or can imagine having it in the future. Do you and your partner have similar values, goals, and morals? Are you willing to change to accommodate each other, and if so, to what extent? These are all essential questions to ask yourself before you get married, but if you are married, it is important to make sure that your idea of marriage is similar to your partner's to find your balance. The balance that you can both agree on and be comfortable with.
My husband and I had a sand ceremony at our wedding; I thought this was truly cute, a great representation of our union, and a nice mix of what was of ourselves and what was to become in our marriage. Little did I know then that it would be a “true” representation of our love, life, and growth together, as well as a representation of our past and future. I know what you are thinking, “Ashley, it’s just sand that is different colors that you mix together to make another color.” Yes, that is accurate, but what you may be missing is the transition that happens with all these micro pieces of sand that are so small and make up all of who you are, all of who your spouse is, and what you will become together.
So, why are we sold the dream of a wedding and not the reality of a marriage? It is because selling the dream wedding, which is profitable from an economic standpoint, is much easier than selling the work of marriage. When we sell the romantic idea of perfection, that after you marry, you will get along all the time, you will always be joyful as the same time you did when you first married all the time, you will never argue or have disagreements, it places you at a true disadvantage. It doesn’t allow you to be truly prepared for a marriage.
Luckily, there is a better way to manage expectations of Black marriage: to share what works with one another. Sharing what works for you and your spouse can help other Black couples be successful in their marriage. So, let me put my mouth where my money is. Below are some things that I have found to be helpful that I would like to share with you.
Prayer—Pray together and for one another every day, twice a day.
Communication—Learn how to communicate effectively. Navigate the pillow hold. This means that you and your spouse take turns speaking and listening. The pillow hold is when one person holds the pillow, and they have to listen while the other person speaks. This is a great way to practice listening and gives the other person a gentle reminder to hold onto their thoughts and not speak until the other person has finished their thought.
Affection—Identify the type of affection you like and share it with your spouse. Remember that you both have to share what affection looks like to you, not the other way around. Your idea of affection may be different than your spouse's.
Respect—Respect is an important part of a healthy marriage. Respect for men and women is different. Identify what “respect” means to one another. “Hey, Hubbie, how can I respect you today or in general? I want to create a space where you are respected and feel valued.”
Support—Support is a big one. Support is a way to express the ways you can help your spouse. How you can support your spouse might differ from how your spouse can support you or how you need to be supported. So, before you jump in and start supporting, ask what your spouse needs to feel supported.
Love Language—Learn your partner's love language. There are five love languages: words of affirmation, acts of service, receiving gifts, quality time, and physical touch. Identify your partner's love language and use it to show them what they need to feel loved.
Share what you Love—Join in on what your spouse loves to do. Find out what your partner loves to do and join in with an open mind and an open heart. This is a way to show your partner that you love them and want to be a part of what they love.
Create Hobbies Together—Find hobbies together so you may continue growing together. This is soooooo important. Hobbies keep us connected to each other and allow couples to create their own world of fun, love, support, and beyond.
Have Fun!—Enjoy each other! Let loose, go out, take a trip, do something different, laugh, and be silly. Laughter is the best medicine, allowing us to connect on various levels.
Inside Jokes—Have tons of inside jokes and experiences that only the two of you have experienced. Inside jokes are a way to connect to each other on a deeper level.
I really hope this list can help you with your marriage, or you can share it with a friend. Please know that this is just my experience and my perspective. If you need help, please seek a cultural professional in marriage counseling. We wish you a happy, beautiful, fulfilling, long, and loving marriage!
Books We Love for Marriage
The Five Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman
The Good Fight by Dr. Les & Leslie Parrott
Effective Listening by Dr. Robert E. Cialdini
How a Wife Speaks
How a Husband Speaks
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